My birthday is coming up in a few days and I can’t help but think how much has changed this past year. This time last year I was optimistic, feeling like 23 was “my year.” But to be honest 23 was complete shit. And while I won’t go into detail and make this an even more depressing, bitter blog post, I am trying so hard not to let my heart just be filled with hate at this point.
Deep down, I think we still want our birthdays to feel special. We want validation that we are cared about. But I know my birthday will go just as it has in the past – I’ll go to work, I’ll go home, I’ll read contrived “happy birthday” posts on my Facebook from people who probably haven’t talked to me since their post the year before. I thought maybe this year would be different, but events of this week have only pulled me down further into my birthday blues. I don’t even care anymore, I’ll probably go around most of the day trying to forget it’s my birthday. Birthdays used to be so exciting – presents, parties, friends all around. Now birthdays have seem to become something we dread. Oh, another year gone. What a fucking waste. We dwell on how good things used to be, we focus on the what-ifs and all that things that could have happened over the year but didn’t. I understand the importance of staying optimistic and whatnot, but how can someone radiate positivity when they’ve tried only to have things get worse than before? It’s overwhelming and disheartening. This year I’m not going to exclaim how this year is “my year” and how great it’s going to be; this year I’m not making any expectations. Maybe next year I won’t be so let down.
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As somebody with both anxiety and depression, I often find it interesting to examine the intricacies of how each makes me feel. I often flip back and forth between which of the two is more painful or more of a burden. I recently posted a “Question of the Day” on my Snapchat where I asked: “Which is ‘worse’ – anxiety or depression?” Only one of my friends actually responded to my inquiry, but she brought up a lot of the same points that I have regarding how each is viewed, handled, and lived through. When I have anxiety attacks, it feels like the worst feeling in the world. My heart rate speeds up, I begin to sweat, and I get chest pains. About a month ago, I had an attack where I began hyperventilating, my mouth, lips, and hands began tingling with an intense pins and needles sensation, and eventually my hands seized up into this weird claw-like position. This lasted about 10-15 minutes, after which my hands and arms felt extremely sore. However, both my friend and I agreed that the feelings of anxiety seem more temporary than feelings of depression, despite the fact that anxiety attacks can be very intense and painful. In my opinion, anxiety hurts more physically and depression hurts more mentally – although both can highly affect physical and mental states. For me, it just seems like depression is harder to climb out of. Your thoughts consume you to where you feel lost, empty – like a shell of a person. You feel stuck in those feelings for a much longer period of time. The numbness of depression eats away at you; it’s a weight that drags you down… It’s almost as if the harder you try to pull yourself out of your low, the further you sink. Looking at how both anxiety and depression are viewed is also curious. It bothers me how casually the words anxiety and depression seem to be thrown around. People who are not depressed or do not have anxiety should not be nonchalantly announcing how “depressed” they are because their favorite show was canceled or how they have anxiety when they are really just slightly uneasy or worried about something. And yet, if someone is actually depressed or anxious, there is this stigma attached to it – that person is broken, crazy, etc. It deters people who are attempting to deal with mental illness on their own from getting professional help. If I were to answer the question I had previously posed, I would say that neither anxiety nor depression could be labeled “worse” than the other. Both negatively affect how you feel, think, and act, and both are difficult to get through without a solid support network. I’m interested to see how you all feel… Even if you’ve never experienced them, which do you feel is worse? Anxiety or depression?
“Love is stupid. I’m never falling in love again. Why put myself through that pain again?”
The majority of us have said this to ourselves at least once in our lives – after a break up or similar situation. As we reflect on where things went wrong, dwell on cruel words and actions, or feel our eyes fill with tears, all we can seem to think is: “I should never have fallen in love.” I realize now just how flawed that logic is. Love doesn’t hurt; love is what helps heal pain and make us feel wonderful about ourselves and about life. Love is the most beautiful thing we have - it offers us the chance to open up to someone and share a piece of ourselves with them, it brings us together, it gives up hope. Love makes life worth living. There are so many instances of love that we forget about when we go through a break up or similar situation. We forget about self-love, love for our family, our friends, our pets, our hobbies, nature... The list goes on. There is so much more to love than just our connection with that one person. We forget all of the beautiful things that love encompasses. We blame having loved for our feelings of loneliness, betrayal, or rejection. Losing someone we loved from our lives hurts – yes, it absolutely does. But we can’t blame love for that pain. We have to acknowledge that love isn’t what is hurting us; rather, it’s those other thoughts and emotions that somehow became muddled with our thoughts of love. At the end of the day we have to realize the abundance of beauty and love that surrounds us and we should be thankful that we were able to experience that closeness with another person – even if it wasn’t meant to last. Stop referring to your significant other as your "other half.” I constantly see quotes about having a better half or see posts about people feeling lost without their other half. This needs to stop. Thoughts and quotes such as these imply that without this other person in your life, you are no longer whole. Wrong. Your significant isn’t your “other half” – they are a separate person entirely. Having a significant other doesn’t bond you together into one being… You are still you and you are still a complete person without your partner. Some people lose track of who they are as an individual under this false pretense that a significant other somehow molds them into a new entity, which only leads to problems down the road. It’s important to maintain your own hobbies, your own friendships with others, and your own opinions. Don’t become dependent on someone else for your own happiness. Your significant other should make you happy, of course, but you should be able to be happy without them as well. The same goes for those who are single and feel that they need someone else in order to feel complete. Learn to love yourself first and the rest will come in time. Connect with yourself and live for you. Take time for yourself, independent of your partner, and enjoy that time. Don’t forget about your friends or always bring your significant other along with you when you do hang out with them. Don’t fall prey to the notion that you have to be together at all times. Having a significant other can, and should, enhance your life - but they shouldn’t be your life. Over-analyzing. I'm so guilty of this, it's hard to even express it in words. In fact, I've been over-analyzing so much over the past couple of weeks that my brain has become a mess of chaos. The problem with this way of thinking is that if we analyze and dwell on something long enough, we start to believe it. What started out as something so trivial becomes something we obsess over. We over analyze so that we will feel more prepared for what's coming, but by doing so we are only bringing about our own unhappiness. We lead ourselves into a clouded version of reality, where we've read into actions and words incorrectly and suddenly find ourselves lost. This over analyzation makes us self conscious and overwhelmed. Our self-esteem suffers. We created something out of nothing. Too often we get absorbed into the what-ifs, the whys, and the wondering that we lose track of what is actually going on. I read a quote the other day that said: "You're a victim of your own mind." This I can relate to. I succumb to the negative thoughts and scenarios that I create in my head after dwelling over words and actions. Sometimes I find myself coming up with scenarios so far-fetched that in hindsight I can only laugh and wonder how I could have possibly imagined something so ridiculous. However, I think this quote carries too much negative perspective. We don't have to be a "victim" of our mind. Instead, we need to simply learn to take things as they are and stop trying to stitch together "what all of it means." Our minds can hold beautiful, wonderful thoughts; it's up to us to change the way we view things. Stop analyzing every little thing that happens. Take things as they are. Go with the flow. "Stop being afraid of what could go wrong & start focusing on what could go right." Happy New Year, everyone!
I haven’t been on here in a long time… Sorry about that. I just wasn’t feeling completely inspired to write and I didn’t want my entries to come off as forced. With the New Year, however, I’ve been thinking about the concept of “New year, new me.” You know – that cliché phrase that floods Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram every year as soon as it hits midnight? For the longest time, I loathed that phrase. In fact, I was one of the people that snickered at all the people who posted anything along those lines. The more I think about the phrase, though, the more I appreciate the logic behind it. Nobody can change in a day; we are still the same person at 12:00am of the New Year as we were at 11:59pm. There is no argument there. Instead, the New Year simply offers us a chance to open ourselves up to learn and grow as a person over the following 365 days. I know what most people will say: “Yeah, but we could make that change any day of the year. What makes January 1st any different than any other day?” And there isn’t a difference, really. A day is a day... right? Rather it’s the idea of Day One. Starting completely from scratch. There’s something abundantly refreshing about that notion, offering us an absolutely blank slate and encouraging us to start those goals and resolutions we considered throughout the year. Use this New Year to help jumpstart your actions. Work on bettering yourself, your relationships, and your life – absorb, develop, appreciate, reflect. Cheers to 2016! One of my favorite words is clarity. I feel that clarity is something that we all search for, in one way or another. We want clarity in our relationships, in our occupations, and in our lives in general. We just want to feel like we truly know where we are headed in life and why.
I can't think of a time when I've been happier than I have been lately. I have finally surrounded myself with the people that bring out the best in me and I know who my true friends are. I have a good sense of where I'm headed in life and I'm on the right path. It's hard to realize the toxicity in our lives when we continue to engross ourselves in it. It's only once we let go of the things weighing us down that we can live and realize what we are living for. My biggest want in life is clarity. I just want to know why I'm doing the things I'm doing. I want life to make sense. These past few weeks I've been looking at life with a clarity I lacked prior. I was focusing on things that I thought were important, when in reality were only bringing me down. It's insane how much perspective can impact your life and your emotions. The best way I can explain my change of attitude is to tell you to live life for you. Forget what other people will think. Forget what other people are doing. Live life for you and do what makes you happiest. When we live in this manner, each day will continue to bring us closer to clarity. To what we want, where we're headed, and who we want with us at the end of it all. Lately I’ve been feeling pretty bummed – curse you, darkness! – but after a few nights of dwelling on negativity I’ve realized that I’m actually in a really great place. I often feel like I’m not where I’d like to be in life, which I’m sure we have all felt before, but then I think about how far I’ve actually come. I graduated in May with two Bachelor’s degrees, I got to travel around Europe over the summer, and I’m almost done with my second semester of grad school... I’d say that I’ve accomplished a lot.
I’ve also stepped out of my comfort zone a lot lately. I’m an extremely quiet person – especially around people I don’t know. But recently, I have been much more outgoing. I went out to dinner with a bunch of new friends about a week ago and I couldn’t have had a better night. Beer, dollar burgers, and good people. I also stumbled into a pretty great day of hanging out with a new friend and learning how to play drums yesterday, which I have always wanted to try. Not only did I meet new people this week, but I also got a chance to see some old friends from high school as well over the weekend. I’ve had more fun in the past week than I’ve had in a long time. I may not be where I thought I would be at this point in my life, but I’m surrounded by plenty of wonderful people and I know that I’m headed in the right direction. It seems like we forget to focus on the positives in our lives and I think a lot of that comes from comparing our lives to others. We see what other people have that we don’t, and suddenly we feel like our whole lives are a mess. They aren’t. Each of us have experienced or have things that someone else may not. Each of us are at different points in our lives. And that’s perfectly fine. The key is to realize what we do have and learn to love our lives the way they are. Life isn’t easy - the key is finding ways to make it a little easier. Celebrate what you have. Celebrate your friends. Celebrate your family. Celebrate life. Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about my blog. I just haven’t had time to write. As many of you know, my birthday was October 27th – I turned 23. Throughout the month of October, I’ve been thinking a lot about life and my experiences thus far. This past year has easily been one of the worst years for me but I’ve grown so much as a person, and because of that I’m thankful. Life can be a b*tch... that’s for sure. But in reflecting on life and living I’ve compiled a list of 23 things I’ve learned and love about life. There’s a little bit of everything thrown in there but I hope you won’t find this post too cheesy. But hey! It’s my (late) birthday post… I can write what I want to, right? :)
23 Things I’ve learned and love about life
Most of us have heard these or similar concepts, but somehow we seem to forget them along the way. So just a little reminder to keep your chin up & remember this list moving forward. I’m excited to see what this next year holds for me. Twenty-three is my year - I can feel it. We are constantly searching for validation. Validation that we are smart, pretty, loved... whatever we feel like we are missing. But so many of us go about searching for that validation in the wrong way.
We seek validation from others instead of seeking it from ourselves. Stop worrying about how others perceive you and learn to love yourself first – flaws and all. This has taken me entirely too long to understand and I feel like I’ve finally begun to love myself for who I am. As I’ve stated before, I’m not perfect and I never will be. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not a great person capable of remarkable and wonderful things. I used to think that I had to hide my flaws: my tendency to overanalyze, my trust issues, my past. Hell, I used to be afraid to admit that I still get scared of my basement sometimes… (It’s more common than you think, okay?!) I have a tattoo on my ribs that reads “What sets you apart may seem like a burden, but it’s what makes you great.” That’s something that we all need to be reminded of. Without our flaws, nothing would set us apart and there would be nothing to make us unique – special. Learn to love your special qualities, whatever they may be. You don’t need anyone else’s validation but your own. Once you learn to love yourself, only then can you learn to love others and others will love you even more than they already do. They’ll fall in love with your confidence, your charisma, and all those things that set you apart that you were so quick to hide. We all have things that we can work on, but that’s what makes us human. I used to depend on others to believe in me because I couldn’t believe in myself. Now I’ve learned to accept myself and love myself more than ever. Accept yourself for who you are. I promise that when you do, you’ll wonder what took you so long. |
I'm Megan.
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